(Written on 9/14/22)

The temple was good. We did sealings and sat in the Celestial room for a while afterwords. I was so tired but it felt so right to be there. I felt so much peace. I just kept thinking about how, even though she’s not with us in this life, we are now a family of three and nothing will ever change that. She will always be ours and we will never be the same.

(Written on 9/15/22)

We went to the mortuary to place Ellen in her casket today at 2pm. Our funeral director took us to a room where she was laid on a table and let us have a moment alone. She was wrapped up in the blankets from the hospital, including the fuzzy purple one. She had the headband on still, but it had slid down, so we fixed it and held her until the funeral director came back in and we told him we were ready to place her in the casket. We took some more pictures just so we’d have them, but I don’t like them very much. She just looks very dead, which is understandable, but I think we’ll be glad we took them later. Matt placed her in her casket and then we sat and discussed the headstone and paid for everything. It was hard seeing her again, but I’m glad we were able to and that we were given some time alone with her. It’s incredibly hard to think that was the last time I’ll see her physical body again while in mortality.

Today has been very hard for me. Tomorrow will probably be worse. I’m so grateful I have Matt. I couldn’t do this without him. He is the sole reason I’m able to even function. I’m exhausted physically, which doesn’t help mentally, but every day is different, so hopefully I’ll sleep tonight and be able to handle tomorrow a little better. Even though every day has been hard, I feel like, for the most part, I’ve been handling it fairly well, but today I’ve just wanted to crawl into a corner with a blanket, shut out the world, and cry. I probably should have. It would more than likely make me feel better. I’ll try it tomorrow if I still feel the same way. Haha.

It’s just so hard to know how to feel. On one hand, I know everything is okay. Painful, maybe, but okay. On the other hand, I feel like a piece of me has been torn away, and even though I know it will be returned to me one day, I don’t know how to function without what seems to be such a vital part of me. I know I’ll never be the same and learning to go back to my life, while being a completely different person then who I was before is difficult and hard to want to. Matt makes it easier though. I love him so incredibly much and I’m grateful for every second that we get to spend together. He would have made an amazing dad. She would have loved him so much. I 100% believe that seeing them interact would have become some of my most precious memories. I hope we’ll have the opportunity to have another baby, but I will always look forward to the day that we’ll be reunited with Ellen and our family will be whole again. A lifetime seems way to long to wait, but having Matt by my side will make it easier to get through together.

(Written on 9/16/22)

Today was a good day. With how yesterday was going I was worried today was going to be too hard, but it turned out well. I thought I would have a really difficult time with her graveside service, but I feel better about everything.

We got an email on the way up from our funeral director saying the hearse had a flat tire so they were running late but would still be there by 10:45. We got up there about 10:15, I think. Our funeral director wasn’t able to be there, so they sent someone else and he was awesome. He kind of felt like part of the family. Matt’s dad conducted, my older brother said an opening prayer, and my Grandpa dedicated the grave. It was such a beautiful day. It had been rainy, but the sun came out for the service. Everything was green and so pretty. After the dedicatory prayer we asked if anyone wanted to say anything. Matt’s dad, both of our grandmothers, and both of our older brothers spoke. It was really beautiful.

Matt was able to carry her casket from the hearse to the graveside and then from the graveside to the grave. He had to hop down to place her casket in it and then we were able to fill it in. (And by we, I mean mostly Matt). My uncle, younger brother, grandpa, and the funeral director helped. I loved being somewhere so small that we were able to do everything ourselves. It made it much more special. They told us the headstone could take 8-10 weeks, so grandpa found a good rock that we were able to write her name and birth/death date on. It seemed a little silly, but it actually looked good and I’m glad it’s there to mark where she is.

(Written on 9/17/22

My older brother said some stuff at the graveside that I appreciated. I can’t really remember what he said, but it was about how he believes that when we lose someone here, we only gain more support on the other side. She’s still supporting us and is our literal angel to help lift us up. We have so much family on the other side and I believe they are aware of us and rooting for us. I may be wrong, but I believe they’re allowed to help us on occasion. We are definitely not alone, and our reunion will be that much greater for having to wait so long. I’m incredibly excited to be able to see her again and get to know her. I love her so incredibly much. Our bishop stopped by today and gave us a willow figurine that was a mom and dad holding a baby as well as a card. It was beautiful and very kind of him. He also printed off two talks and some quotes. There’s one by Joseph Smith that I love.

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”